The Idiot’s Guide to the KdV Parade – 2010 Edition

THIS IS IMPORTANT; READ IT CAREFULLY!

When is the KdV Parade?

The Parade is on Saturday, January 30, 2010

I’ve been in this parade before, why should I read this crap?

On the same theory that one should never return to the scene of a crime, just about everything is different once again this year.  If you want to go to last years’ parade start or try to party at the State Palace or the SDT Warehouse, go right ahead.  We could use a good laugh at your expense.

Where does it go?

The parade starts and ends at the same place, Michalopolous Studio,

When does the parade start?

The parade starts at 6:30 PM sharp.  We should get back to the end at around 9:00 to 10:00 pm.

When should I get to the Den of Muses?

Don’t go there, dammit!

Then where the hell should I go?  I’m so confused!

Man, you’re dense.  Once again, the parade will assemble at Chartres and Marigny.  The pre-parade party will be at

OK, fine, when should I be at the Michalopolous Studio?

            Plan to get to the parade NO LATER THAN 5:00.  Earlier is better.

There are 900 people in the Krewe du Vieux, most of whom are in various stages of drunkenness, to try to get organized, which is no easy feat.  Most importantly, you need to get your wrist band from your krewe captains.  There are 65 members of CRUDE, so give your captains a break and show up early so we can get you your wrist band well before we’re supposed to line up behind the float.  There will be a bar serving FREE BEER to get you in the mood.

Why do I need a wrist band?

The wrist band is your ticket for the Ball.  It also admits you into the reserved Krewe area and gives you access to the FREE beer and set ups the special krewe bar.

What happens if I don’t get a wrist band or lose it?

You are completely fucked and we keep your money and drink your share of the beer.

Can I park near the parade?

Parking may be a challenge.  Do NOT park in the middle ground.  Do NOT park along the parade route as cars WILL BE TOWED.  Arranging alternative transportation, such as a cab, would be an even better idea so I can find a parking space when I drive in from Chalmetairie.

How do I find CRUDE at the ball site?

We will have a table inside to congregate.  If you can bring some food to share, that would be great!

Should I get drunk as a skunk before the parade?

OK, I ignored my own advice a couple of years ago and lived to regret it.  The parade is only half of the fun.  We have actually had to put people in a cab before the parade even started ‘cause they were falling down drunk.  Don’t let this happen to you, because we will make fun of you and put your picture on the web after you’ve thrown up on yourself.  Being co-captain was the only way I avoided this shame.  Drink plenty of water and make sure you have something to eat.  Don’t overdo it early or you won’t enjoy yourself later on.  There will be plenty of opportunities to get shit-faced so you might as well postpone it until later.

What should I bring to throw?

This ain’t Endymion.  Don’t bring more than you can physically carry.  Guys can usually lug about 2 cases of beads.  Girls, being smarter, usually carry less.  If you carry beads, a sturdy canvas shoulder bag works well.  There is also the bandolier style using a luggage strap across the shoulder with beads separated into lots of about a dozen and wrapped with a heavy paper band and stapled to the strap.  Hint:  Individually packaged beads are MUCH easier to deal with.  Beads with medallions will get hopelessly tangled.  Proper bead management is the key to a worry-free parade experience.  Flower canes, garters, and other light things are also good.

Can I store throws on the float?

There is no room on the float for 65 peoples’ throws, particularly now that we have moving figures on the front.  Just don’t worry about carrying a ton o’ shit and relax and enjoy yourself. 

I am obsessively generous and want to throw a ton o’ shit.  What about a shopping cart full of beads?  Wouldn’t that be great?

That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.  People (including myself) have tried shopping carts, golfbag carts, luggage carts, wheeled ice chests and wagons.  Anything with small wheels will not make it over the streets in the Quarter.  At some points everyone will either get bunched up or have to go single file through the crowd lining the street, at which point people are tripping over your shit and cursing your name.  Believe me, if you bring anything like this, you will live to regret it only slightly less than if you were to lose your wrist band.

Well, if I can’t load all my crap on the float, where can I put all the stuff I might want to have with me when I get to the ball site (dry clothes if it threatens rain, munchies, a bottle of booze, condoms, etc.)?

Since we leave from and return to the same place, you can just leave it before the parade starts.  The area should be fairly secure. Although I don’t know that I’d leave that $4,000 Canon EOS digital camera, most things you can afford to lose should be safe.  I would not leave anything you can’t live without.  Some of those other krewes look pretty sketchy.

Where do I go when I get back to the school with the parade?

Follow all your fellow Krewe members into the ball site. DO NOT TRY TO GO IN THE BAND ENTRANCE!  Go back to where you started.  There is a bar serving free beer and set ups and reasonably priced drinks.  Have a drink, relax, get something to eat and then go to the dance floor and dance your ass off.

Will I be able to get my non-krewe friends into the Ball?

No problem!  Tickets are $30 and will be available for purchase from your captains and are also on sale at The Louisiana Music Factory, 210 Decatur; Up in Smoke,

Will I be able to get all of my friends to the Krewe area at the ball?

Absolutely not!  We all paid for this privilege and sneaking your cheap-ass buds in to drink our beer is not acceptable.  You and your friends will be ‘bout as welcome as a fart in a space suit.

Any thing else I need to know?

Unlike the stuffy, bourgeois krewes, we don’t have paid flunkies to clean up after ourselves in the neighborhoods we parade through.  Please be mindful we are passing in front of peoples’ homes and dispose of your trash in an environmentally respectful manner.  

I know there’s something you’re not telling us.

OK, you force me to bring this up.  Last year there were complaints that some lunkhead in the parade was groping women along the route. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but this kind of sophomoric behavior absolutely will not be tolerated. We encourage most other kinds of sophomoric behavior, but this is not one of them.